Perspectives in Senior Living
September 26, 2024 | CC Young General
As we age, conversations about senior living and retirement communities become more frequent, and more complex. When it comes to planning for the future, aging parents and their adult children each have their own priorities and concerns that can make discussions and decision-making a challenge. We sat down with author Missy Buchanan before her upcoming visit to CC Young Senior Living to talk about the different perspectives seniors and their adult children bring to the table, and what can be done to bridge the generational divide.
How have perspectives on aging within families changed since your last talk at CC Young in 2022?
I see a heightened interest now from the adult children. Many are in that sandwich generation, trying to deal with the demands of their own family and careers while trying to meet the increasing needs of their aging parents. One middle-age woman recently explained that she feels like a panini, a sandwich grilled on both sides. That sentiment is reflected in the comments of a television producer I met a while back. I was doing a segment for a Dallas TV station, and the producer caught me afterwards and said, ‘I’ve done live television. I’ve covered tornadoes touching down. I’ve done live shooter events, but nothing has prepared me for being the adult child of an aged parent.’ She knew stress, but this was a different kind of stress. Trying to help her aging parents, she felt totally unprepared to talk about senior living.
So how do senior perspectives differ vs the adult child?
The biggest complaint I hear from aging parents about their adult children is that they sometimes feel that their children don’t include them in decision-making. The adult children’s topmost concern is often about their parent’s safety. That is hugely important, of course, but it’s also important for the younger and older generations to be on the same page and to work as a team. Don’t ever say to an aging parent, ‘Mom, you’ve got to’ because as soon as you say those words, you’ve made them defensive. Instead, say, ‘Mom, what do you think we should do?’ Approach decision-making as a team.
What do you find helps parents and adults see things from the other’s perspective?
As I travel to speak to older adults and adult children, I take the opportunity to ask both generations what it is they want in this season of life for themselves or their aging parents. ‘Excluding good health and money, what are the things you want most?’ Adult children typically list things for their aging parents like safety and security, a pleasant living environment and help with daily activities. When I ask the same question to their aging parents, their responses reflect something different. ‘I want to be respected’ and ‘I want to know that I have a purpose and friendships later in life.’ When you look at their answers side-by-side, you realize that the things the adult children want for their aging parents tend to be external and the things the aging parents want are more internal. Both generations have valid desires, but the survey reveals a difference in focus. Aging parents are more inclined to care more about feelings associated with home, respect and relationships than they do about room layouts or programs at retirement communities. Whenever I present that information, I see light bulbs go off. It’s a great place for adult children to start a conversation with their aging parent. What is it that you really want?
Are there shifting trends in senior living that you see happening in the next few years?
I think the biggest challenge for senior living communities right now is to try to correct the faulty ideas that many people have about aging. When some people hear ‘senior living,’ they imagine a dreary nursing home, like a place a frail grandparent might have lived in the 1960s. It’s not surprising then that they are resistant to that idea. They need new visions of growing older, including the opportunities to grow and learn. They also need to learn how time has brought many positive changes to senior living. And both generations need a better grasp on the lingo associated with aging. Many confuse the terms: independent living, assisted living, skilled nursing, memory care, and continuing care. They often clump all senior living options under the heading of nursing homes. Helping them better understand the vast array of senior living options and opportunities in 2024 is key.
When do you recommend people start having these conversations?
Yesterday! Always sooner than later. When speaking to older adults, I remind them that a conversation about late life may be awkward, but it is a gift they can give their children. Some adult children will put their fingers in their ears going ‘no, no, no I don’t want to talk about it.’ Other times, it is the aging parent who puts their fingers in their ears. I constantly challenge the generations to sit down and talk together. Aging is part of life. It doesn’t have to be depressing. Talking and planning about late life is a gift we can give to each other instead of waiting until something bad happens. Few people make great decisions in the midst of chaos or stress. Prepare now and the journey will be easier for both generations.
What are you hoping your audience gets out of their time with you?
My hope for older adults is that they know they still have purpose, no matter their physical limitations or state of decline. The reason I started writing on faithful aging is because I would hear older adults ask one another how they were doing. The response was often, ‘I’m just here,” as if they were just waiting to die. I realized how harmful that way of thinking can be to the aging population. We should be more than ‘just here.’ We all have purpose until our last breath. Trying to help older adults understand their sense of purpose has become my mantra. You may not be able to do the things that you once did, but you can still be an active influence in the world. Sometimes it requires adapting to your physical realities, but you still have significance. There is a reason you are here. My goal is to help both older adults and adult children reimagine what aging can be. It’s not a pie-in-the-sky way of thinking. It’s not helpful to pretend that aging is all fun and games. There will be hard times. We don’t do favors for older adults when we pretend that growing old is easy. Instead, we should try to help them balance the tough realities with a sense of adventure that encourages growth and significance.
Is there anything else about family dynamics and aging that you’re excited to share?
Bringing families together to discuss and plan for late life is best for everyone involved, not just the aging parent. When I learn of a family that came together following one of my presentations, I am greatly encouraged. They often tell me they learned tools for approaching one another and started the conversation ball rolling. The thing is, we don’t get a second shot at it. Earthly life is finite. It’s important to think deeply about what you need to do as a family—and don’t forget to bring Mom into that conversation.
Missy’s upcoming event at CC Young, Aging is a Family Adventure on October 23, promises to offer even more insight into navigating these critical conversations. You can RSVP and learn more about these interactive presentations here.
For more insights on aging from Missy Buchanan, visit her here:
Facebook: Aging and Faith: Missy Buchanan
Twitter: @missybuchanan
Website: missybuchanan.com